I did a meditation recently. Those of you familiar with the Tattvas know there is a specific color and shape for each element including the spirit. I focused on the black egg representing spirit and found myself in a particularly odd dimension of sorts. When I did this meditation on fire, I entered a vast realm of extraordinary depth and detail. In the spirit realm, I found myself standing in the middle of a brightly lit, white room with industrial-like floor tiling. The light was not at all heavenly, but seemingly incandescent. A WTF moment indeed. I looked around and waited for something to happen. Nothing did. I tried to walk around, but couldn't go far. The world wasn't infinite like the fire realm. This one seemed to be a 20'x20' cube. So I left.

Life is slowly starting to unfold. New friendships are blooming while others wither and die. And so continues the circle of social interraction.

Today while driving to work, I thought about a good friend I once had. How vibrant and colorful she was. Unlike anyone I've ever encountered before. I happened to look up at the sky and saw above me, a beautiful rainbow. If there was ever a perfect physical manifestation for her to return to this earth as, that would be it.

Rest peacefully Sara. We love you deeply and will cherish your memories in honor of the kindness you selflessly bestowed upon us. Never will I forget the warmth, safety, and unconditional compassion I felt in your embrace. The world always seemed brighter when you were around. Your absence has dulled the beauty in the passing days, but your rainbow inspired me to continue acknowledging the aesthetics in the mundane. The light in the absence of such. Thank you for everything, Sara. I'm grateful to know you are watching over us with the same peace and love you wished us while you walked among us. There will always be a place for you in my heart and I look forward to seeing you again. Love always, Meg.


Sigh.

Back in the realm of that which is Megan, there is good news. First, I am almost medication-free. I've weened myself down to 75mg from 300mg. I can see a tremendous difference in many things. Mainly the way I feel about things. While heavily medicated, the world seems very dull. Knowing that I was stable was enough to ignore that fact and I eventually forgot what it was like to really FEEL. Every emotion - bliss, joy, anger, sadness, etc - always felt hollow. Like it was a regulated response to a particular situation. Many times I wouldn't feel anything at all. Emotion now has so much more depth. I'm not in any way falling back into that dismal state of my past. I'm not an emotional wreck. My emotions just feel more real.

That's all for now.